I have not been the best at blogging, and I really don’t think that anything that I write about or would write about would be at all interesting to anyone out there who may be looking. I wanted to just have a place where I could talk, vent, share and hope.
Hope? Well I hope that my daughters Mother finds me some day. I really do, which brings me to one of the things I don’t understand.
I never thought that the people I love most in my life ( sisters and friends) would be the ones I couldn’t share my true feelings with. Here’s the thing.. I really hope to find my daughters Mother some day, I hope that she will wish to have some sort of relationship with our baby. I hope that my daughter will have that part of her back again. I just don’t understand why this is such a big F’ng deal to my family and friends.
Example: Fourth of July… we are sitting chatting, chasing our little ones…we get talking about the things we are doing in our lives and I mentioned the craziest thing. There is a young girl in one of my classes that looks like she could be my daughters Mother. I explained that this gal is the spitting image of my little girl and I know she thinks I am a weirdo because she always catches me staring at her in class! I explained that I feel like a stalker because I know she knows I am staring, but it is only because she looks so much like my daughter.. or vice versa! I personally thought it was an interesting and neat little tid-bit, and maybe something to giggle at with me being a stalker, but all I got in return were looks of shock and horror, followed by a very loud comment made by a “friend”, who shouted at me from across the table.. “YOUUUUUU ARE HER MOTHER!!!!!!!!” This was followed by a bunch of “Yeah.. hello?” or “Yes you are..not her!!” and the one that makes me want to claw their eyes out “You are her Mom, obviously she didn’t want her”
Excuse me here please, but this just fucking pisses me off!!!! (F-word F-word F-word!!!!)
There is a part of me that thinks they are trying to be good friends, but all they are doing is pushing me away. My sisters have even had a “serious heart to heart” talk with me about why I am obsessed with my daughters Mother, and that I should just close that chapter and let it go. They are so matter of fact when they say it, like when you break up with a bad boyfriend or something and they want to help you move on. They just don’t get it, and it hurts. I do have to say though, that the first person who dares to say anything like this around or to my daughter will get a karate chop to the face! I am terrified that they will continue with this ignorant close minded way of thinking, and I can’t have that around my child. Oddly enough, it is this same group of people who cried when they watched my daughters adoption video because I paid tribute to her Mother, they cried when I gave a speech at her Adoption party and I thanked everyone for coming and sharing in our special day, and then I raised my glass to her Mother and thanked her for choosing life, and I asked everyone to pray that she was ok and will be with loved ones who can care for her during the milestones she knows she is missing with her child. They all “felt” her loss, but are 100% against me hoping to have her back in her daughters life someday. Who are these people??
Another thing I don’t understand; Why I or we get the sad looks, gasps followed by hugs from strangers, or the token…”You are so wonderful… this lucky baby”……when people find out that she is adopted. I don’t get that, and at first, I was tolerant of it, now I am just annoyed. We don’t normally meet people and say “Oh here is our daughter, she is adopted in case you couldn’t tell”. It is just something that may come up when we are at the Doctors, or filling out the “what kind of Pregnancy” did you have questionnaire. It’s so strange to be having a normal conversation with someone, and then BAM…they find out she is adopted and all of a sudden they will just stare at her and then at us… some of them will look like they may cry, others will get that look in their face like they feel sorry for us or her. I try to continue with the conversation but most of them can’t listen…they just smile and stare and then usually end it with a “bless your heart”.
Uhhh.. Ok… I guess I am just over sensitive.
The last thing that I don’t understand: I am often asked two of the most offensive questions, I think because I have biological children from a prior marriage. The question: “Do you love her as much as you do your REAL children?” and “Does she feel like she is yours?”
Again I apologize here, but ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??
My best friends are a lesbian couple who have spent over 5 years and thousands of dollars on infertility treatment and never achieved a pregnancy, they later adopted their 3 daughters and often say that they have no idea why they waiting so long to adopt. Our friends were the first people we called when our baby arrived. The first thing I told them was that I felt like I had just given birth, there was an immediate bond with my daughter and I honestly felt EXACTLY the same way I did when the Doctors handed me my child after I gave birth. There is NO difference.
Honestly… I just don’t get why people would ask those things.
