I have been reading some adoptee blogs recently and I have to admit, I liked being in my not knowing world. My ignorance was my bliss! I honestly had no idea that there were so many adoptees out there who struggle with being adopted. I never thought before we adopted that I may have a child who may also struggle with this. I only thought of having a child. How selfish of me. : (
I have to say that I am terrified of screwing this up. I don’t ever want my child to feel the pain that some of the bloggers are feeling. The thought of her being so unhappy terrifies me. I want to be the best Mother for her in support of her feelings about her adoption, but how do I do that? I know she will want to know who her Mother is, why she didn’t keep her, why she was safely surrendered, why she is not allowed to find her, who her Father is, and Why Her. I am scared to death because I have no answers. I don’t know the why’s. I have minimal information given by the Nurses at the Hospital about her Mother, and that is it. I know this will not be enough. Will my love and support be enough to carry her through? I am really scared about this and she is only 15 months! I think I’ll just keep reading their blogs and hope to become the best Mother I can be for her on this. These are the things that they don’t teach you during your Homestudy, or Adoption classes.
All I know is that I love my children and hope to be the best Mother I can be. I am very proud of the fact that I have teenage daughters who all still love me, let alone like me and are not embarrassed to be around their not so cool Momma. I love that they stay home some nights rather than go out with their friends so they can cuddle on the couch and watch chick flicks with me, and I love that I have the same relationship with them as I had with my own Mother when she was alive. I feel like one lucky Mommy.
I hope it never changes.
First off I’m glad you’re blogging more
I really like reading what you have to say.
I think we’re all terrified that our children (whether by birth or adoption or however they come into our lives) will be hurt by anything….I know that my daughter may have more hurt because of her placement. But I also know that her Mom is going to be an awesome Mom to her and IF she has that hurt that her Mom (and I if she wants) will be there for her.
I have come to accept that we can’t “out-parent” some of the things our kids may go through. If Maryn has a hard time with her adoption one day it doesn’t mean it has ANYTHING to do with the job you’ve done as a Mom. I’m sure you’ll do an awesome job with her just as you’ve done with your other beautiful daughters. ((((hugs))))
You are wonderful to be asking these questions now, instead of later when and if your daughter is struggling. I think that just being as open and honest as possible and giving information on a need to know basis is a good beginning.
Your love will do a lot, as it does for all children, but there will be things that perhaps will hurt her because adoption is based on loss. I think putting her feelings first goes a long way. I think telling her that you’ll support her if she decides to search for her mother one day goes a long way. I think sharing with your daughter your own fears and insecurities would be a big mistake.
Often, the adoptee feels that everyone made all these big life decisions for them, and because they were babies, they had no say in the matter. If, when the adoptee becomes an adult, she decides to search, or needs some talk therapy to work out their stuff about adoption, you are her pillar of strength and support, then those hurt places are mended by your acceptance. Validation is important.
It’s the adoptive parent who doesn’t ever consider these things who end up being hurtful without knowing it…
You are to be commended.
Tina
Thank you for the support. I hope you are both right! I try not to worry, but I can’t help myself. : (
TGM: I like how you said I can’t out parent things.. I thought about how I couldn’t help my eldest daughter when her first love broke her heart in a million pieces.. I wanted to fix it but couldn’t. I decided to hate his guts instead! You are so right..some things just can’t be avoided no matter what.
Tina: Thank you for the suggestions on how to handle the “way” I support my daughter. I will do whatever I can to be her source of strength when or if she goes down this road.
: )
This may help you out a bit.
http://sisterheping.wordpress.com/
There’s an entry that deals specifically with the question “Mom, why didn’t my other mother keep me.”