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Where I’ve been

Busy mostly.. raising a 20 month old, surviving my teenagers, being a wife and back in school; all while working full time is quite the juggling act!

I must admit though that I did keep my distance from the blogging world, as I was becoming consumed with the “What If’s” concerning my daughter and the questions that will arise later in her life.  I searched every adoptee blog I could to see if I could find just as many happy adoptee’s as I could unhappy adoptee’s.  My research only made me more terrified than I already was about it, because even the happy adoptee’s felt some sort of pain from their experience.   I decided to save myself from further suffering and just log off for a while until I was able to get my head around it all.

Update:  I’ve not got my head around it all, but am also not freaking out either.    “whew!”

I received an email the other day, which brought me back to the blogging world.  It was a ridiculous chain letter that asks all sorts of questions that people close to you may or may not know about you.   I decided that I had a few minutes to spare, so I decided to read it and even considered torturing my own friends by forwarding.   The questions were simple..  asking about my middle name, favorite food and such.  Then the question came up “How would your friends describe you”.   At that moment I remembered an email that I saved from years earlier of the same sort…. except it was an email where your friends were asked to answer the questions about you.   In this email my friends described me as “Always happy”, ” Positive” , “A friend you can rely on”, “Strong”, ” Supportive”, “Loving”, “Devoted”, “Loyal”, “Honest”, and “Unselfish”.    It got me thinking about life really.   I have 4 daughters, 3 of them who are teens and making ridiculous mistakes, 1 who is still a little munchkin at 20 months, I am back in school, doing well in my new career, and I am happily married.   If I am all of those things as my friends described, then after 40 years of life, I probably won’t change much.  I can handle the harsh truths about adoption, I can be the supportive Mother my child will need when the time comes, and I will continue living my life and loving my friends and family as I always have.  It is ok to be scared, it is ok to make mistakes, and in order to understand it fully, I must learn and understand the positive and negative side of adoption.

I recently wrote a paper in school on the effects of adoption.  It required at least 3 references, but they could have asked for a million.  There is so much information out there with every possible spin on adoption one could think of.

Just a bit from my paper:
“The negatives of adoption exist, but so do the positives. Support groups exist in support of adoption and against it. Many have or will place their child for adoption, and many will not, and in every situation a child is in the middle. A child who’s life journey was decided for him, whose needs were determined and decided, all without his own input. Regardless of how this journey had affected the birth mother, birth parents or adopted Parents. The children of these exchanges will live their lives every day with the effects of their adoption. This is a burden only and Adoptee can explain or clarify.”

The Reverend Keith C. Griffith, MBE said “Adoption loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful”

I don’t know..  I just feel that this quote applies to just about anyone involved in the adoption process.

I have been reading some adoptee blogs recently and I have to admit, I liked being in my not knowing world. My ignorance was my bliss! I honestly had no idea that there were so many adoptees out there who struggle with being adopted. I never thought before we adopted that I may have a child who may also struggle with this. I only thought of having a child. How selfish of me. : (

I have to say that I am terrified of screwing this up. I don’t ever want my child to feel the pain that some of the bloggers are feeling. The thought of her being so unhappy terrifies me. I want to be the best Mother for her in support of her feelings about her adoption, but how do I do that? I know she will want to know who her Mother is, why she didn’t keep her, why she was safely surrendered, why she is not allowed to find her, who her Father is, and Why Her. I am scared to death because I have no answers. I don’t know the why’s. I have minimal information given by the Nurses at the Hospital about her Mother, and that is it. I know this will not be enough. Will my love and support be enough to carry her through? I am really scared about this and she is only 15 months! I think I’ll just keep reading their blogs and hope to become the best Mother I can be for her on this. These are the things that they don’t teach you during your Homestudy, or Adoption classes.

All I know is that I love my children and hope to be the best Mother I can be. I am very proud of the fact that I have teenage daughters who all still love me, let alone like me and are not embarrassed to be around their not so cool Momma. I love that they stay home some nights rather than go out with their friends so they can cuddle on the couch and watch chick flicks with me, and I love that I have the same relationship with them as I had with my own Mother when she was alive. I feel like one lucky Mommy.

I hope it never changes.

I have not been the best at blogging, and I really don’t think that anything that I write about or would write about would be at all interesting to anyone out there who may be looking. I wanted to just have a place where I could talk, vent, share and hope.

Hope? Well I hope that my daughters Mother finds me some day. I really do, which brings me to one of the things I don’t understand.

I never thought that the people I love most in my life ( sisters and friends) would be the ones I couldn’t share my true feelings with. Here’s the thing.. I really hope to find my daughters Mother some day, I hope that she will wish to have some sort of relationship with our baby. I hope that my daughter will have that part of her back again. I just don’t understand why this is such a big F’ng deal to my family and friends.

Example: Fourth of July… we are sitting chatting, chasing our little ones…we get talking about the things we are doing in our lives and I mentioned the craziest thing. There is a young girl in one of my classes that looks like she could be my daughters Mother. I explained that this gal is the spitting image of my little girl and I know she thinks I am a weirdo because she always catches me staring at her in class! I explained that I feel like a stalker because I know she knows I am staring, but it is only because she looks so much like my daughter.. or vice versa! I personally thought it was an interesting and neat little tid-bit, and maybe something to giggle at with me being a stalker, but all I got in return were looks of shock and horror, followed by a very loud comment made by a “friend”, who shouted at me from across the table.. “YOUUUUUU ARE HER MOTHER!!!!!!!!” This was followed by a bunch of “Yeah.. hello?” or “Yes you are..not her!!” and the one that makes me want to claw their eyes out “You are her Mom, obviously she didn’t want her”

Excuse me here please, but this just fucking pisses me off!!!! (F-word F-word F-word!!!!)

There is a part of me that thinks they are trying to be good friends, but all they are doing is pushing me away. My sisters have even had a “serious heart to heart” talk with me about why I am obsessed with my daughters Mother, and that I should just close that chapter and let it go. They are so matter of fact when they say it, like when you break up with a bad boyfriend or something and they want to help you move on. They just don’t get it, and it hurts. I do have to say though, that the first person who dares to say anything like this around or to my daughter will get a karate chop to the face! I am terrified that they will continue with this ignorant close minded way of thinking, and I can’t have that around my child. Oddly enough, it is this same group of people who cried when they watched my daughters adoption video because I paid tribute to her Mother, they cried when I gave a speech at her Adoption party and I thanked everyone for coming and sharing in our special day, and then I raised my glass to her Mother and thanked her for choosing life, and I asked everyone to pray that she was ok and will be with loved ones who can care for her during the milestones she knows she is missing with her child. They all “felt” her loss, but are 100% against me hoping to have her back in her daughters life someday. Who are these people??

Another thing I don’t understand; Why I or we get the sad looks, gasps followed by hugs from strangers, or the token…”You are so wonderful… this lucky baby”……when people find out that she is adopted. I don’t get that, and at first, I was tolerant of it, now I am just annoyed. We don’t normally meet people and say “Oh here is our daughter, she is adopted in case you couldn’t tell”. It is just something that may come up when we are at the Doctors, or filling out the “what kind of Pregnancy” did you have questionnaire. It’s so strange to be having a normal conversation with someone, and then BAM…they find out she is adopted and all of a sudden they will just stare at her and then at us… some of them will look like they may cry, others will get that look in their face like they feel sorry for us or her. I try to continue with the conversation but most of them can’t listen…they just smile and stare and then usually end it with a “bless your heart”.

Uhhh.. Ok… I guess I am just over sensitive.

The last thing that I don’t understand: I am often asked two of the most offensive questions, I think because I have biological children from a prior marriage. The question: “Do you love her as much as you do your REAL children?” and “Does she feel like she is yours?”

Again I apologize here, but ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??

My best friends are a lesbian couple who have spent over 5 years and thousands of dollars on infertility treatment and never achieved a pregnancy, they later adopted their 3 daughters and often say that they have no idea why they waiting so long to adopt. Our friends were the first people we called when our baby arrived. The first thing I told them was that I felt like I had just given birth, there was an immediate bond with my daughter and I honestly felt EXACTLY the same way I did when the Doctors handed me my child after I gave birth. There is NO difference.

Honestly… I just don’t get why people would ask those things.

Update

Updates

MARYN’S FAVORITES RIGHT NOW:

 


THE ONLY SHOES MARYN WILL WEAR:

 
FIRST DAY AT HER NEW MONTESSORI SCHOOL:

She was so happy on the ride home from School… she laughed and talked all the way home!!

I found this blog today and wanted to stand up and applaud when I was done reading it.   Dr. Laura is my hero today.

Discarded Babies?

March 4, 2008 on 6:14 am | In

Adoption, Baby Safe Haven EMail This Post

The Boston Herald (February 25)

 

reported

that, in 2007, a record number of newborn babies were given up by their parents (in reality, probably just the mother) under Massachusetts’ Baby Safe Haven program.The law came to pass after state Representative Barry R. Finegold (D-Andover) proposed the bill, which would allow a parent to legally surrender a baby, aged 7 days or less, at a hospital, police station, or manned fire station without facing criminal prosecution.  In other words, under certain conditions, Massachusetts legalized child abandonment.

Honestly, I cannot understand the critics of this law.  They argue that the law creates an “easy out” for reluctant mothers.  Darn straight!  The fact is that these girls and women didn’t legally kill the baby in their bodies, nor did they abandon them in a dumpster or toilet.  They knew that they couldn’t raise a child and had an option which contributed to the well-being of that child and the adoptive family.

Another criticism is that this strips children of their heritage.  Are you kidding? Since when does one’s place on a genetic family tree trump a loving home environment?  They also say that this law promotes irresponsibility.  What?? What is more responsible than giving a child over to people who will arrange for the child to be loved and nurtured, when they know they cannot?

The Department of Social Services, which oversees the Safe Haven program reports that the Baby Safe Haven hotline has helped thirty women to get into a parenting or adoption plan.  They also said that “parents give up their babies for various reasons, including post-partum psychosis, emotional immaturity, and social isolation.”  Whatever the reasons, the woman is still making a conscious choice to “save” her baby from her own emotional and social problems.  I say these women are heroes.

 

Life is good

My little girl will be a year old next month, and I still can’t believe it!   The past year sure has flown.

Of course everyone is expecting a new video from me documenting the first year of her life, and I have done my best to capture our little pumpkin.   I find that I would need at least 10 hours and 50 songs to truly capture the last year, but I have left it at 1 song and only a few minutes of video.  I have made another page w/the video attached, so let me know what you think!

So for me and thinking of this last year in my life.  I have thought about how very exciting, stressful and humbling it has been.  I mean we were blessed with a new baby, we had a stress free adoption, I was promoted at work, my husband and I both rec’d nice raises, we both rec’d large bonuses, we are living a good life during a time of crises for others, and I have met some truly amazing people in the blogging world.

Life is good, and I have a lot to be grateful for.

Maryn’s Story

Once upon a time, there was a Beautiful Birth Mother who one day learned that she carried a child within her womb. This beautiful girl was smart, educated and so very caring. This beautiful girl spent a precious 9 months loving, nurturing and protecting the baby that grew inside of her.

No one really knows of the tender moments that she had, alone with her thoughts and gentle touches to her growing belly, or of the words she spoke to the child that was growing strong. A child inside of her listening to the sound of her Mothers heart, her Mothers laughter, her Mothers tears, her Mothers joy, her Mothers prayers, and her Mothers love which remains etched in her memory and heart to connect them forever.

This Beautiful Birth Mother, 9 months along, soon found herself aching, her belly warning her that the time was near. Time is something she had a lot of during the 9 months that held them as one. Time that now seemed to be moving at an accelerated pace, as their moments together would soon end. A labor of love occurred, it held moments that only she and this child know of, moments of new beginnings, and painful endings. Two bodies once existing within one heartbeat were now two heartbeats beating together, almost in unison as their eyes met. Tears of joy filled this Beautiful Birth Mother’s eyes, followed by hopeless sorrow as she understood that this child was meant for another.

A homemade blanket that the Beautiful Birth Mother had made for this day, now held her child. In each delicately sewn stitch, there holds a piece of her broken heart, and in its cloth, her tears.

The Beautiful Birth Mother somehow found the courage and strength to take that path, knowing all along that it would lead her to the moment in her life from which she shall never recover. A brave day soon followed by an unselfish act. A heartbreaking surrender becomes a gift to another.

The Beautiful Birth Mother takes one last look, gives one last kiss, and holds her child one last time. Inhaling her scent, as she says one last goodbye, the Beautiful Birth Mother gives her heart and soul for another to love. A name not given, no words are spoken; a Beautiful Birth Mother remains unknown.

Awoken by the sound of an Angel, a couple whose arms were once empty. A couple longing for a child, now held this precious gift. A Father who was raising three children but had never known of infancy, the word Daddy, or of the first moments in a child’s life. A father who was now complete. A family forever grateful to the Beautiful Birth Mother who unknowingly made dreams, thought impossible, come true.

A child called Maryn, with the middle name of Grace. Grace, the name once written on a piece of paper by the Beautiful Birth Mother.

Grace, meaning elegance and beauty, pleasing and mercy. Grace, a virtue of excellence of divine origin. Grace, the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God.

A Beautiful Birth Mother who’s act of Grace will never be forgotten, her baby Grace to always know, that once upon a time there was a Beautiful Birth Mother who carried her within her womb, and although they are separated now, she will love her until the end of time.